Tea

Why is it so complicated?

I love him. I know i do. It happened really quickly. Maybe 2 weeks. But i know its love.

Have i told him? God no.

Have i wanted to? Ofcourse. Ive whispered it a few times. As terribly lame as that is.

He has never had a proper girlfriend before. Just a few flings. Well thats what he told me. So im assuming he has never been in love. He mentioned that he wanted to tell me something that cant be said over a message. I thought that might have been it. But then he said it was stupid. That was a week ago, nothing has been said.

I know i should just say it. Part of me thinks he feels the same way. But the last thing i want to do is say it and get nothing back. An awkward silence. A forced 'i love you' in return, when really he doesnt love me at all.

Maybe its too soon for him. Just over a month? I know its quick.

Oh i dont know.

Love sucks....

Wave

Crying sucks.
Crying for no reason is even worse.
Crying over things you know mean nothing is making me paranoid.

Stupid crimson wave.

That Thing

Male 1 : "Why are you talking to that thing for?"

Male 2: "Havnt i taught you anything mate? Easy root"

Both males laugh to one another.


Maybe they were right...

Perfect

I know i should have felt guilty, felt dirty. But i didnt think it would happen. At first it was all so innocent. I knew you wanted it && deep down i did too, but would never admit it. So i told myself it was all ok, it was all innocent. I wasnt doing anything wrong.

Then everything just fell into place. Just like in the movies. Everything felt so right. I was so incredibly happy. Overwhelmed by it all. To think that what i wanted deep down, that i doubted i would ever be able to experience was all happening.

You wanted me.

Laying there in your arms while you kept me warm. Skin touching. Breathing you in. I felt so safe, so loved. Lightly stroking your face. Bodies so close. I could have stayed there forever. And then the kiss. That perfect kiss. Just what i wanted.

We stopped. It shouldnt have happened. But i dont regret any minute of it. I know i should, its the right thing to feal, but i will never regret it. Nothing has ever felt so right to me. The perfect day, the perfect kiss with the most perfect person. I would give up everything to experience it again.

I will never forget that day...

Maturity

My brother has always been the immature little shit growing up. There was the naked faze, where he would walk around naked, dance in the loungeroom naked, practically just live naked.

Then there was the gay faze. Everything i said or did was gay in his eyes and he would tell me repeatedly. Then i was emo and everything i said or did was supposedly emo.

Master Patrick then learnt foul language. I was a fucking this or fucking that. Bitch, whore, slut, mother fucker. He even called me a cunt a few times. He was about thirteen at this stage.

But yesterday Patrick and i actually talked and i realised that what i thought would never ever happen as in fact happened. My annoying little brother has matured! (Maybe its the sex & drugs, but i dont want to think of him doing either kthnks.) We talked about his friends, music, clubs, scene kids, him turning 18, drinking etc. And there was no name calling, no language and nothing immature at all. It was actually enjoyable to have a conversation with him :]

While we were talking yesterday he told me about this band 'Breaking Benjamin'. They are actually rather good i think. They remind me of 'Three Days Grace' just because of the singers voice. Im just glad to hear my brother listening to something different. So here is there video for one of there songs

xo

Breaking Benjamin "Breath" Music Video

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Control

I would like to thank Alexisonfire for getting me through this week so far. Things are looking up a bit today. The morning started off shit, but i did some retail therepy, got shit off my chest etc. The ball is no longer in my court for my biggest issue. Ive said what i have to say, its up to them now to decide where they want to take things. And right now i dont care what the answer is, i just want an answer, so i can decide to move on or not.

Hopefully emo saman will be leaving soon and in the words of my t-dawg the happy sammy-poo will return :]

Alexisonfire - Control

This burden's not a heavy one

But I assure you, it's present

This burden's not a heavy one

But I assure you, it is present

Say that you're in control

Say that you are

I can't think of a time

When you looked less alive

You say,

"Wait until light, my dear, just wait until light"

One more day will go by

Maybe today you should try

To look past the mirror and find

Look past the mirror

That there's something inside

Something more to your life

My words won't heal you now

My words won't heal

It is you who decides

It is you who decides

This burden's not a heavy one

But I assure you, it's present

This burden's not a heavy one

I assure you

Believe that you are just fine

Believe that you are

You'll feel so alive

You'll feel so alive

Be what you are now

(be what you are)

Be what you are

Do not keep it inside

The hate will not subside

Be what you are now

(be what you are)

Be what you are

Do not keep it inside

The hate will not subside

It's you, decide

It's you, decide

So alive

You'll feel so alive

This burden's not a heavy one

But I assure, I assure you

This burden's not a heavy one

Not a heavy one

Not a heavy one.

xo

This week

This week just isn't my week. After having 2 great weeks in a row, where everything is 'fine && dandy' i was bound to have a week full of shit.

The thing that started it all was me opening my big mouth. I decided that to try and get rid of these crush feelings i have been feeling for someone, i would go back to the way i felt about someone before. A few months ago i liked someone, they liked me back. But due to certain circumstances nothing could happen. I pushed those feelings to the back of my mind, tried to ignore them. But every day they were there, i really liked this person, but there was nothing i could do about it.

So i thought why not bring these feelings back, there is nothing stopping anything happening now, the circumstances are perfect. Plus it will help me get over the other person i have feelings for. So what do i do, i sent the dreaded slightly tipsy sms to this person. Telling them i still like them, i have all this time and whats stopping us now?
Do you know whats stopping us, this person is too fucking busy for me right now.
(obviously i added the fucking)

So now i have made a complete fool of myself. I shouldn't have assumed he still felt the same way, its been a good 2-3 months now. People move on. But i wasn't thinking of that. I assumed that because i still had those feelings they would. Now i have someone i really like who is too busy for me, and someone i kinda still like who doesn't like me back. Way to fuck things up Saman *high fives myself*

And now so far this week everything has been getting to me. Friends, family, myself, every little thing. Its one of those girl things where everything gets to you and makes you cry lol. Ive become snappy, bitchy && moody to everyone.

Hopefully today might be a bit better. I think some retail therapy is in order. Emo rant ends now.

xo