Perfect

I know i should have felt guilty, felt dirty. But i didnt think it would happen. At first it was all so innocent. I knew you wanted it && deep down i did too, but would never admit it. So i told myself it was all ok, it was all innocent. I wasnt doing anything wrong.

Then everything just fell into place. Just like in the movies. Everything felt so right. I was so incredibly happy. Overwhelmed by it all. To think that what i wanted deep down, that i doubted i would ever be able to experience was all happening.

You wanted me.

Laying there in your arms while you kept me warm. Skin touching. Breathing you in. I felt so safe, so loved. Lightly stroking your face. Bodies so close. I could have stayed there forever. And then the kiss. That perfect kiss. Just what i wanted.

We stopped. It shouldnt have happened. But i dont regret any minute of it. I know i should, its the right thing to feal, but i will never regret it. Nothing has ever felt so right to me. The perfect day, the perfect kiss with the most perfect person. I would give up everything to experience it again.

I will never forget that day...

Maturity

My brother has always been the immature little shit growing up. There was the naked faze, where he would walk around naked, dance in the loungeroom naked, practically just live naked.

Then there was the gay faze. Everything i said or did was gay in his eyes and he would tell me repeatedly. Then i was emo and everything i said or did was supposedly emo.

Master Patrick then learnt foul language. I was a fucking this or fucking that. Bitch, whore, slut, mother fucker. He even called me a cunt a few times. He was about thirteen at this stage.

But yesterday Patrick and i actually talked and i realised that what i thought would never ever happen as in fact happened. My annoying little brother has matured! (Maybe its the sex & drugs, but i dont want to think of him doing either kthnks.) We talked about his friends, music, clubs, scene kids, him turning 18, drinking etc. And there was no name calling, no language and nothing immature at all. It was actually enjoyable to have a conversation with him :]

While we were talking yesterday he told me about this band 'Breaking Benjamin'. They are actually rather good i think. They remind me of 'Three Days Grace' just because of the singers voice. Im just glad to hear my brother listening to something different. So here is there video for one of there songs

xo

Breaking Benjamin "Breath" Music Video

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Control

I would like to thank Alexisonfire for getting me through this week so far. Things are looking up a bit today. The morning started off shit, but i did some retail therepy, got shit off my chest etc. The ball is no longer in my court for my biggest issue. Ive said what i have to say, its up to them now to decide where they want to take things. And right now i dont care what the answer is, i just want an answer, so i can decide to move on or not.

Hopefully emo saman will be leaving soon and in the words of my t-dawg the happy sammy-poo will return :]

Alexisonfire - Control

This burden's not a heavy one

But I assure you, it's present

This burden's not a heavy one

But I assure you, it is present

Say that you're in control

Say that you are

I can't think of a time

When you looked less alive

You say,

"Wait until light, my dear, just wait until light"

One more day will go by

Maybe today you should try

To look past the mirror and find

Look past the mirror

That there's something inside

Something more to your life

My words won't heal you now

My words won't heal

It is you who decides

It is you who decides

This burden's not a heavy one

But I assure you, it's present

This burden's not a heavy one

I assure you

Believe that you are just fine

Believe that you are

You'll feel so alive

You'll feel so alive

Be what you are now

(be what you are)

Be what you are

Do not keep it inside

The hate will not subside

Be what you are now

(be what you are)

Be what you are

Do not keep it inside

The hate will not subside

It's you, decide

It's you, decide

So alive

You'll feel so alive

This burden's not a heavy one

But I assure, I assure you

This burden's not a heavy one

Not a heavy one

Not a heavy one.

xo

This week

This week just isn't my week. After having 2 great weeks in a row, where everything is 'fine && dandy' i was bound to have a week full of shit.

The thing that started it all was me opening my big mouth. I decided that to try and get rid of these crush feelings i have been feeling for someone, i would go back to the way i felt about someone before. A few months ago i liked someone, they liked me back. But due to certain circumstances nothing could happen. I pushed those feelings to the back of my mind, tried to ignore them. But every day they were there, i really liked this person, but there was nothing i could do about it.

So i thought why not bring these feelings back, there is nothing stopping anything happening now, the circumstances are perfect. Plus it will help me get over the other person i have feelings for. So what do i do, i sent the dreaded slightly tipsy sms to this person. Telling them i still like them, i have all this time and whats stopping us now?
Do you know whats stopping us, this person is too fucking busy for me right now.
(obviously i added the fucking)

So now i have made a complete fool of myself. I shouldn't have assumed he still felt the same way, its been a good 2-3 months now. People move on. But i wasn't thinking of that. I assumed that because i still had those feelings they would. Now i have someone i really like who is too busy for me, and someone i kinda still like who doesn't like me back. Way to fuck things up Saman *high fives myself*

And now so far this week everything has been getting to me. Friends, family, myself, every little thing. Its one of those girl things where everything gets to you and makes you cry lol. Ive become snappy, bitchy && moody to everyone.

Hopefully today might be a bit better. I think some retail therapy is in order. Emo rant ends now.

xo

Strings and Drums

"Strings And Drums"

Turn your eyes to me

I am watching every move you make

What should I wear today on my sleeve?

Let's take a step and move away

Underground is where we'll stay

For a while

I will mix my tounge with strings and drums

And give my soul away

Can you hear them come?

Strings and drums

You're my mystery

You are always at my fingertips

Without you I'm just bones and skin

I will lick your cuts and be your bruise

Until I fade from deepest blue

Into white

I will change my words from nouns to verbs

And never be ashamed

Can you hear them come?

Strings and drums

I am writing myself clean

I am selling myself cheap

I am aching for a touch or a taste

And I'm aching, aching, aching now

I'm holding, holding, holding out

I'm calling, calling, calling out to you

Strings and drums

I will change my words from nouns to verbs

And never be ashamed

Can you hear them come?

Strings and drums

Strings and drums

Hooray today is Kisschasy :] Im not excited i swear.

xo

Feelings

The cliche butterflies in your stomach when you see them
Smiling every time you hear their name
Getting excited when you know you are going to see them

The typical 'crush' feelings. Unfortunately, I've got them.

Normally i love feeling like this. Its exciting and fun. But not this time around. Not when you know nothing will come of these feelings.

Although i haven't spoken to this said crush, i know they wouldn't feel the same way as me. So even if i did tell them, i would get my hopes up, they would be crushed and i would turn into a lil emo kid. And right now that's not what i want.

So now my mission is to forget about them, stop the feelings and move on. Ive done it before so i know i can do it again. There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to. That's clinging on to that last bit of hope that maybe I'm wrong, that they could like me back. But i would rather save myself the heartache.

Feelings suck balls *nods*

xo

Random

Saw 'Superbad' Tuesday night. I thought it was absolutly hilarious. Although at times it was a tad irritating at how terrible these guys were at picking up signs i think that was the point. (Lol @ Tom- Just hurry up & fuck the chicks already)

It's the funniest teen movie i have seen in a long time. It was so openly crude, i loved it.

So hooray for Superbad :]

Havnt been at home the past few nights. It great lol. It's good to just do random shit on weeknights as it seems to make the week go faster. Yay for it being Thursday already && yay for this weekend being a long weekend!

Tomorrow night i'm seeing Kisschasy, even more reason to celebrate. All i listen to at the moment is their new album so i am quite the excited.

Thinks i may blog again after i get back from work. Have some things on my mind i think i need to get out. Sigh @ stuff && things clouding my head lol.

Plan to blog about random crap this morning to waste time before work-check

xo

Funeral For A Friend

Sunday 16th September was the Funeral For A Friend concert @ The Metro. The last time i had been to a concert was when i saw The Used in May. And from being a person who saw local gigs every weekend, and international bands every month, this was a big gap from May to now. So i was really looking forward to it.

And it was worth the wait. Funeral put on a great show && played a lot of old stuff aswell. I'm not a huge fan of their new album, but their new stuff sounds a lot better live than it does on cd.

They played my 2 favourite songs aswell, which doesnt normally happen at concerts. First it was 'History'. I was happy with that but i knew they would probably play that anyway.

FFAF - History (Clipping 1)

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I didnt think they would play the other song i really wanted to hear. It came to the end, they started the encore with 'Streetcar' & i was happy for it to end with that as i also love that song. But then as their final song they played 'Escape Artists Never Really Die'. I almost died. I love a song that can bring you goosebumps no matter how incredibly hot and sweaty a room can be. It was the best way to end it for me, waiting the whole night for that song :]

I need to head out to gigs more often, i miss them. I love the crazy death circles && mosh pits. Getting all hot and sweaty & just going insane. Definently miss it.

Contiki Tour 2010

In 2010, the year of my 21st birthday i will be going on a European Contiki Tour.

http://au.contiki.com/tours/europe

When people ask you the countries && places you eventually want to travel to, my answer has always been everywhere. So with this i can easily knock off 8-10 countries in 1-2 weeks :]

For those that have never heard of Contiki Tours, its a travel group for 18-25 year old's. Basically you all get on the Contiki Bus and hit a bunch of places, tourist spots etc and the whole time you are there its one massive party because everyone is your age. No annoying old people that want to take photos of absolutely everything and ask boring questions.

So I'm planning to start saving now lol. Depending on how much i have by the start of 2010 will determine which tour i take. I cant wait

xo

Typical teen angst

I've been writing a very long blog, about everything that's happened this year i want to write about. But right now i need to let out some teen angst stuff lol.

FUCK YOU MUM!!

You stupid drunk. Why do you put Patrick && I through this all the time. Don't you care? Why do you call me the things you do all the time? How do you expect me to believe in myself and have pride when you believe Tim broke up with me because of that. You are an adult, with responsibilities. As much as you don't want Patrick && I around to look after fucking bad luck.

And why don't i say this to her face? After what i had to deal with the last time i did it, never again.

So now i have some thankyou's.
First of all to Mel for the beautiful card and pressie you bought me this morning. I love you my Pokemon.
To my Tom pants for cheering me up and being supportive over the past couple of days. I can always count on you for that and i am forever grateful.
And to Parramatta Westfield lol. For providing me with enough to fulfil my retail therapy shopping trips.

Teen angst over.

xo

I'm backkk

After Modblog died i gave up on blogging. Moved onto Myspace and other sites to waste my time whilst bored. But after finding my old Modblog the other night, with the help of Thomas, i have decided to create another blog.
I'm not sure whether I'm much of a blogger anymore, but i do know that i can talk shit. Which is probably what this blog is going to consist of.
But for now i must be getting off to work. I have a sneaking suspicion i will be blogging later tonight, about anything and everything that is happening right now.

xo